JOURNAL ENTRY: Tuesday 30 July 2019

Today’s medication: 50mg Sertraline / 5mg Aripiprazole

I’ve been in freeze mode again today, almost completely consumed by fear and anxiety. I managed to meet up with a friend for a couple of hours for coffee, but couldn’t really speak. I spent most of the time staring out of the window watching the rain come down. It’s like something has flipped inside my head and there is nothing I can do about it. As a result I’ve decided to start taking the Aripiprazole again. I took an Olanzapine yesterday as I just wanted to try and sleep through these feelings, but that didn’t really work.

I know the fear and anxiety are related to my future. I have very little idea how I’m going to make a living moving forward. I’m pinning all my hopes on making a success of my writing, but this could all just be another pipe dream. When I get in a highly anxious state like I am today, I lose the capacity for rational thought. I’ve never really noticed it before, but I can actually feel it today. I can feel my amygdala at the top of my spine as a sensation of high pressure. It’s like a throbbing sensation. This is preventing my neocortex from functioning properly, which is the part of the brain where rational thought takes place. My neck feels stiff and my head is full of pressure. It’s an unpleasant sensation.

What’s worse is that it has a crippling effect on me, so it stops me from doing any more writing, which just compounds my fears. I can only assume that this is yet another layer of the onion being pealed away, which is ultimately a good thing, but feels very unpleasant in the moment. This tends to be how the cycle of healing works for me. I start to feel good, I reduce the medication and become more positive about the future and then boom, it’s like lightning strikes and I’m thrown back into the pit of despair for another round of truth and learning.

I feel so close to completing my story that I just need another good few days to get to the end. Once I’ve done that I’m hopeful that the process should become easier, as it’s more of a review and amendment process than churning up old, painful memories.

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