JOURNAL ENTRY: Friday 09 August 2019

Today’s medication: 50mg Sertraline / 5mg Aripiprazole

I’m really struggling at the moment. I feel like I’ve lost the will to live. I’m back on the Aripiprazole everyday, which is helping with the anxiety, but it’s also drained any enthusiasm I have for LiFE. I just don’t want to do anything. The only reason I’m writing this is because I hope it might make some sort of difference to my mood. Basically I feel frozen with fear. I’ve got no idea where I’m going or what I’m doing. I wouldn’t say that my confidence and self belief is at an all time low, but it’s pretty close. My head feels empty and my body feels weak. My LiFE is boring and everyday feels like one step closer towards death, which can’t come soon enough. I’m existing as an eating, sleeping, pooping machine, that’s it. I’m in the throws of isolation, as I don’t want to see anyone at the moment, which is making me feel lonely and alone, which also sucks.

Most of all, I’m pissed off that my LiFE has been like this for pretty much 5 years now. I keep waiting for some kind of inspiration or intervention, but not a lot has been forthcoming. I have periods where LiFE feels OK, but generally, I’m clueless and I still don’t know what to do about it. I’m scared that I’m pinning all my hopes on writing, yet my lack of confidence is telling me that no one is going to be interested in my story of ENLiGHTENMENT. I’m worried that I’m being delusional, that I’m depressed and worst of all that I’m in some form of major denial about the REALiTY of my LiFE.

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